How are you doing? Really?!

The title of my blog really says it all.

I ask myself this question everyday.

I'm asked this question by my daughters nurses and doctors everyday as well.

Usually when someone asks you that question, you give them a,

 "I'm fine!" or a "I'm ok!"

When in reality, some days you are and some days you aren't.

You HAVE to be STRONG for your child

and

give her POSITIVE ENERGY

so she can come home as soon as possible.

Sometimes I don't feel like a mother.

The reason being is that, I am not able to do all of the motherly things with my first child.

I'm not able to hold her all day and rock her to sleep or have her feed upon my breast

 and the list goes on.

When I became pregnant this is not what I thought would be in the cards.

I'm very involved with her care, but it's different because she is hooked up to tubes and IV's,

so it is very different.

I did a search on the internet for poems for preemies.
And all of the poems I've read ring so true to me.
Below is a poem that I've read.

~~~~~

One Day At A Time

By Sharon Fraser

Just another check up, just another scan,

tomorrow you're having your baby....

that's not part of the plan!

Robbed of your last trimester, no more time inside,

your stomach is flat,

your plans,

your dreams swept under the mat.

Your baby is taken to receive the best care,

but you ask yourself, is this really fair?

What's going to happen?

Is she going to grow?

No wonder the tears start to flow.

One day you're up,

the next you're down,

caught on a roller coaster on the wrong side of town.

Another event,

another chin lift,

sitting on your lazyboy,

into a dream you drift.

Why me?

If only?

What's the use?

Your mind,

your spirit totally let loose.

Each day you get stronger and learn to cope

and most importantly you never give up hope!

As one day you will walk out with your baby in your arms,

free of the wires,

monitors and all the alarms.

~~~

As I read that poem over and over, I cry,

damn near sob because that exactly how I feel.

It's hard to describe that to people, but this is how I feel.

If one hasn't been through a NICU experience it's hard for one

to really know how you feel.

Below is another poem on how I feel also.

~~~

As I Love You Through The Glass

By Elena Murphy

As I love you through the glass

a tiny hand sweeps across the blanket

reaching out to me.

You lie there in the stillness

of your slumber clinging to life;

I reach inside to touch you

and you stir slightly;

I feel a tiny breath like a feather

caress my fingers

as I love you through the glass.

One eye opens

easily staring into mine;

Can you see me?

Can you feel my presence

as I love you through the glass.

I ache to hold you;

I await the moment

when you peacefully rest in my loving arms.

A silent tear rolls down my face;

I slowly turn to walk away

only to glance back one more time

as I love you through the glass.

~~~

Everyday is a struggle even if I do not show it, it's there.

It's ok to cry!!

I cry as I write this.

I'm not going to lie, it is VERY HARD.

But Kali makes it to where I manage each day and that I'm there for her.

-Ua