Going to the NICU for the 1st time

Today we went to the NICU for the first time to see Kali.

This is a picture similar to what her bed looks like.

It was very overwhelming!!

I didn't know what to expect or what to think.

I knew that I wanted to be strong for my little girl and that's what I was going to do.

We arrived at the hospital around 3pm.

We walked through the main entrance and asked the attendee how to get to the NICU.  "Go to the elevator behind these stairs, and go to the 3rd floor."

So that we did.

I tried to compose myself.

It was very hard.

I cried because I didn't want to see my little girl like that.

I felt that I had let her down and now she would have to struggle.

J told me that everything was going to be ok and kept reminding me that she was in the best place possible. Even though I knew that.

I got myself together.

I pressed the call button.

"May I help you?!"

"I'm here to see Baby Girl Brown!"

"Are you the mom?!"

"Yes!"

"Come on in!!"

"CLANK!!!!!!"

The doors opened.

We walk down the hall to the desk and the nurse greats us.

"You're mama Brown?"

"Yes!"

"Okay, you can go on back!"

Before we were allowed to go back we had to scrub down.

A gown was not required, unless we wanted one.

Our baby girl was in the first room.

I took a deep breath and we walked in the room.

"Ms. Brown?!"

"Yes."

"Ok, I'm Kim and I have your little girl today.  She's back here."

She was so tiny.

I still can't believe it.

She was lying on her back with a bright light shinning on her.

Her skin was very shiny and almost looked fake.

White cloth was wrapped around her eyes and head to protect her eyes from the bright light.

The day before she was on a machine called CPAP.

The machine was providing her with an oxygen and breath backup.  But she got tuckered out and had to go on a ventilator.  So we were not able to hear her voice.

All that matters is that she is doing ok.

I just starred at my little girl.

I still couldn't believe that she was here.

She wasn't suppose to be here.

She had wires everywhere!

They all went to a monitor.

One was to check her oxygen level, her heart rate and to check the amount of breaths she was taking.

Everything here is foreign.

The nurses and doctors speak a totally different language than you and I.

But over time I will understand it all.

Her nurse Kim was wonderful.

She immediately made me or should I say us feel at home.

She explained everything to us.

Her monitors started to chime.  But she was fine.

Kim explained that to us as well.

She basically told us that the monitors will always go off, but that does not necessarily mean that something is wrong with her.

I remember going to the NICU with my sister back in 2001 when my nephew was born, but I wasn't in her shoes.  What's going through my head is, I wish I would've asked more questions.  But who would've thought that 8years down the road, that I myself would be having a preemie baby.

I just knew that once my cerclage was placed, was that I was going to make it to 37 weeks.  Have it removed and then expect my little girl anyday.  That was the plan, but of course all did not go according to.

It is hard not being able to take Kali home.

But she is where she needs to be in order to get to a point, to where she can come home.

I know that there is a long road ahead of us and that she will have her good days and her bad days, but we are very hopeful for our little Kali!

She in what they call the honeymoon period.

To where 24 to 48 hours after birth, they do really well and then they may have a rough patch.  But our Kali will be fine, I know she will.

-Ua